User Profile

I have been called a dynamic figure because I am often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate sign language while weaving in and out of heavy traffic. I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I mesmerize people with my amazing trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes. .I am an active member of the following Mofias: Italian, Russian, American, Canadain, French, British, Spanish, German, Scandanavain, Czeckoslavacian, Ugoslavian, Ukrainian, Romanian, and Antartican. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in 007, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. In my youth, on Wednesdays after school, I used to repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookkeeper. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy eveningwear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read The Holy Bible, Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish and entire dinning room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the C.I.A. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a blender and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have broken into and inhabited the Biosphere, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. There is more…but I’m too humble to just keep going.









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